Super Heroes Have Domestic Issues Too
"Don’t you ever run out
of ideas?" people often ask me in my imagination.
Not so far, but some weeks it is more of a struggle than
others. And then, every once in a great while, it just writes
itself. Once in awhile I don’t have to come up with
an idea, I have simply to keep my eyes open and be willing
to soak in the breathtaking levels of stupidity existing
on this planet.
My schedule has become extremely hectic since I’ve
recently begun studying law and this past Monday was, as
usual, fast paced and demanding. Then as the Judge Mathis
show broke for commercial, a breaking news report showed
video of a man dressed as Batman standing on a ledge of Buckingham
Palace after having scaled the palace’s front wall.
Batman, it was reported, is a member of “Fathers 4
Justice,” an organization devoted to campaigning for
the expansion of rights of divorced fathers to see their
children. Who knew Batman had so many problems at home?
He stood on the ledge for more than five hours doing little
more than pacing back and forth over a banner reading “Super
Dads of Fathers 4 Justice” and occasionally waving
at the crowds below. It looked an awful lot like the Caped
Crusader was a superhero without a plan.
And may I say, incidentally, that I was very disappointed
in Batman’s general build. The comic book and the movies
apparently go to extremes to exaggerate his overall physique
by depicting him in a skin tight costume accentuating every
bulging muscle. In real life, however, he appears rather
soft and non-athletic with an ill-fitting suit that tends
to hang off of him like a baggy prison issued jumpsuit. The
suit was skin-tight in only one area, causing me to avert
my eyes and leaving me to wish that he had invested in a
codpiece. Holy hotdogs, Batman! Why don’t you cover
that thing up? No judge in his right mind would allow this
guy to see anyone’s kids, never mind his own, after
seeing him in that outfit.
Police finally removed the Dark Knight Detective from the
ledge with a cherry-picker. How humiliating is that for a
superhero? Proof positive that he is way past his prime as
a crime fighter. In his day, Batman has faced the likes of
the Joker, Mr. Freeze, Cat-Woman, and has cheated death on
countless occasions. There is no way in the world that he
would have fallen for the old cherry-picker trap when he
was on top of his game.
On the way down, police removed the Batman mask and replaced
it with a white helmet while Batman waved and clapped – apparently
more than comfortable wearing a helmet in public.
Now, I’m all for father’s rights, but there
are circumstances in which a child is better off without
the influence of his or her biological father. A dad dressing
up as a superhero for the express purpose of scaling a national
monument would, in my book, qualify as a textbook example
of just such a circumstance. My opinion on this matter could
possibly be swayed if the superhero in question was actually
foiling a crime as opposed to committing one.
Batman’s secret identity, it turns out, is Jason Hatch,
a 33-year old father of two who has not been able to see
his children in four years, “even though he lived only
a short walk away from them,” according to Associated
Press reports.
Look, if the location of the Batcave is such a big secret,
how do you expect the kids to visit?
The story keeps getting better.
Apparently, another Father 4 Justice member dressed as Batman’s
youthful companion, Robin, accompanied Hatch to the grounds
of Buckingham Palace. The two of them used an aluminum Bat-ladder
to scale the palace wall, but Robin only made it half-way
up. Apparently police considered it out of the ordinary for
two superheroes to be climbing up the side of the royal palace
in such a fashion and rushed over to the scene.
Robin came right down when police threatened to shoot him.
What a wuss! Not until he reached the ground did he come
to understand that police in England do not carry firearms.
This is great – Robin, whose secret identity is David
Pyke, was not detained by police and was allowed to wander
off. Ya gotta love those English Bobbies.
Pyke was quoted as saying, “Not seeing your children
is worse than being put in prison.” I wonder how he
would compare it with being committed to an asylum.
Naturally I assumed that these were nothing more than two
nutcases making a mockery of a well intentioned organization,
but after doing a little bit of research I found that this
whole Batman fiasco was sanctioned by Fathers 4 Justice and
that this was not the first time that superheroes have taken
a British landmark hostage in the name of that organization.
According to www.fathers-4-justice.org, the organization
is a new civil rights organization comprised of fathers,
mothers, grandparents, teachers, doctors, company directors,
policemen, barristers, and – apparently - superheroes.
In February 2004, for instance, four dull-witted superheroes
climbed Bristol’s Clifton Suspension Bridge and remained
there for an entire day, necessitating the closure of the
bridge and inconveniencing thousands of English commuters.
Batman, Superman, Spiderman, and the Green Arrow, stood atop
the bridge milling around with little to do. The Green Arrow
guy appeared a little bit miffed that all the best heroes
had already been spoken for.
When darkness fell they began tossing fireworks off of the
bridge; you know, just to add credibility to their general
mental state.
There is a great video linked to the Fathers 4 Justice website
showing Anna James, a BBC reporter, reporting from the scene.
It is dark out and the sounds of fire crackers or M-80’s
being tossed off the bridge can be distinctly heard in the
background.
“We lost one of the superheroes within the last hour,” James
reports. “He climbed down, managed to evade any notice
or arrest from the police, he removed his Superman costume
and left the bridge apparently unnoticed even though he was
apparently only wearing boxer shorts and a pair of socks.”
That’s spectacular.
Then in May, one of their members, disguised as a mild mannered
non-superhero, made his way into the House of Commons and
struck Prime Minister, Tony Blair, with a paintball.
Do these fruitcakes really think they are furthering their
cause this way? The group claims that their membership increases
dramatically after each of these stunts. I don’t find
that to be all too surprising. Jim Jones found 900 people
to follow him to Guyana and talked them all into drinking
poisoned Kool-Aid. No, I’m not surprised that a number
of deranged fathers living on the fringe of reality are coaxed
into signing up after such stunts, but I would recommend
a thorough screening of these recent applicants.
Can you imagine a grown man with a shred of sanity being
convinced to join the organization based on those ridiculous
antics? Were these new recruits on the fence about the whole
thing or did they just happen to have a superhero fetish?
“Welcome to Fathers 4 Justice. We are now in the middle
of a letter writing campaign to our representatives in Parliament
for extended father’s rights.”
“Can I be Aquaman while I write my letter?”
“We would expect no less, from you. You, my friend,
will fit in very well around here.”
These people make Robin Williams’ Mrs. Doubtfire character
appear credible. How did they come up with the whole superhero
idea? What was the runner up option?
“Okay, welcome to the Fathers 4 Justice meeting here
in our secret lair. We have two proposals on the table to
increase our exposure. Stanley, here, proposes that we draft
a petition calling for more rights for divorced fathers to
have access to their children and that we canvas the countryside
collecting signatures. So far that has received a rather
lukewarm reception from the membership. Jason, however, and
I have to admit that I’m excited about this one; proposes
that we take on the identities of superheroes and make general
nuisances of ourselves.”
“Maybe we can we wear superhero costumes while collecting
signatures for the petition?”
“No, I don’t think so – it’s one
or the other, guys. Everyone in favor of shaming our families
on an international scale? Great; it’s unanimous.”
Well, I have to admit; when I first began this column I
was leaning against the whole Fathers 4 Justice strategy,
but I think I’ve been talked into it. If anybody needs
me, I’ll be on top of Town Hall in my Green Lantern
costume. Yes, I have one; so what?
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Bjork's Fall Foliage Extravaganza
Welcome to autumn in New England.
Right now, as we go about our daily lives unsuspecting, hundreds of Bluebird and Peter Pan buses are making their way up Route 95 determined to get to New England just in time for peak foliage. The leaf peepers are coming.
That’s right; this is the time of year when seemingly normal people from such exotic locales as South Carolina and New Jersey come up by the busload to view the beautiful foliage in New England.
I’m not sure exactly when “foliage” became so prevalent a word in the New England vernacular. When I was a kid we used to call them leaves. Nowadays; up in the tree = foliage. On the ground = leaves. To translate further; up in the tree = beautiful. Covering my entire yard = tremendous pain in the butt.
I found one travel agency on the internet advertising a Fall Foliage trip leaving from New York City for the low, low price of $2,200. That trip lasts 7 days, which averages out to roughly $314 a day to peep at leaves.
What a rip off. I smell opportunity. I have recently applied for a tax ID number for my newest endeavor, “Bjork’s Fall Foliage Extravaganza.” Naturally my tour has a “hook” in order to significantly differentiate it from the competition.
Allow me to explain.
Who wants to be stuck on a tour bus for hours upon hours looking at the stunning array of colors in faraway trees while every muscle is allowed to atrophy into something resembling, if not tasting like, lime jello?
Not you, that’s who.
Would you want to go to a mountain and watch people ski all day. Of course you wouldn’t. You would want to get into the action, you would want to ski. You would want to feel the freezing wind in your face and the powder under your skis. You would want to lose feeling in your extremities while your nose runs incessantly down your upper lip.
Well then I ask you, who wants to look at foliage in far away trees?
People who don’t know any better, that’s who. Bjork’s Fall Foliage Extravaganza is different. It puts you right smack dab in the middle of my backyard and right into the heart of the action. It’s kind of like the world’s first foliage theme park. We provide you, our valued customer, with an opportunity to actually wade through foliage piled as high as your knees.
Listen to it rustle beneath your feet. Go ahead; reach down and pick some foliage up. We encourage it. Feel it in your hand. Rub it on your face if you want to. Breathe in the fresh scent of newly forming molds. We don’t mind.
Bjork’s Fall Foliage Extravaganza is the only tour available that allows you to enjoy the spectacular fall foliage with all five senses. That’s right, all five senses. If you’re peculiar enough to want to taste it, then more power to ya, buddy. We will not judge.
No other foliage tours allow such hedonistic indulgences.
Do the other tours include a free rake?
No, they do not.
Do the other tours allow you to take home free samples of authentic New England fall foliage?
No, they do not.
Sign up with Bjork’s Fall Foliage Extravaganza today. The super low price of $250 per day ($249 for senior citizens) includes, an authentic New England “Leaf-rake” just like the pioneers of the 1980’s used, a slice of pumpkin bread bought from a genuine New England store (Market Basket), accommodations for sleeping under the stars in and amongst bona fide New England foliage, and an endless supply of honest to goodness New England leaf-bags to cart away as much complimentary foliage as your little heart desires.
Foliage makes excellent Christmas and Chanukah gifts for friends and family, so don’t be shy; take as much as you want.
Sounds great, you say?
It sure does, but wait. There’s more.
All of those other low-rent foliage tours leave (no pun intended) out one of the most important aspects of autumn.
Acorns.
Sign up with us before October 15th and we’ll throw in as many real New England acorns as your suitcase and pants pockets can handle.
Acorns have hundreds of uses. Whip them at small children passing by your house. Use them as chips at your next Texas Hold ‘Em poker night.
“I see your acorn and raise you three acorns,”
Sounds exciting doesn’t it?
But wait! That’s not all.
The first 25 callers will receive a cookbook entitled “101 Acorn Recipes”. That’s right, from Acorn Pot Pie, to Stuffed Acorns, to Crème of Acorn Soup, this cookbook has them all.
Operators are standing by.
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Super Bowl XXXVIII - Double-D
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Did you happen to catch the Super Bowl with Janet Jackson? If you did, chances are, you were jumping up and down, high-five’ing and cheering in front of that television.
And that was just the halftime show.
Did you enjoy Superbowl XXXVIII-Double-D? |
It was fantastic television, no doubt about it. After all, it’s not often that you get a chance to see celebrity-boob on network television.
Plus there was a football game on.
That’s right, the Patriots won their second world championship in just three short years…and we got to see one of Janet Jackson’s boobs (the right one, to be specific). What a night!
People are outraged by the display of Jackson’s exposed Taa-Taa, which has all but dominated the news of the past week. I myself am outraged. I mean, c’mon - as a matter of simple parity, equal viewing time should have been granted to the left one as well. Fair is fair.
For those who are offended, please remember; it could have been worse – it could have been Justin Timberlake’s scrawny little chest that was exposed.
Just in case you have been living in a cave or spider-hole for the last couple of days, Janet Jackson performed during the halftime show and proved once and for all that, despite persistent rumors, she is not Michael Jackson in drag.
During a musical number, Timberlake, an alleged singer, pulled off a piece of Jackson’s bustier revealing one of her Winnebagos, which was clad only in - and I’m not making this up; it is in the Associated Press release – “a sun-shaped nipple shield.”
Personally, I am more offended by the media’s blatant use of the term “nipple shield” than in the actual event.
Timberlake apologized after the Superbowl and blamed a “wardrobe malfunction.” Yeah, apparently he didn’t realize that fabric tore when pulled.
Jackson also issued an apology for her little game of peek-a-boob. In a statement released to the Associated Press on Monday night she categorized it as a last minute decision.
“The decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals. MTV was completely unaware of it. It was not my intention that it go as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended,” Jackson told the Associated Press while reportedly removing her pants.
Janet! You’ve just ruined the Superbowl! Where are you going now?!
“I’m going to Silicon Valley!”
Rumors have recently begun to circulate that Jackson and Timberlake considered kissing at the end of their portion of the halftime show. They reportedly scrapped the idea because the taboo of two women kissing on mainstream television had already been broken several months earlier by Britney Spears and Madonna on MTV.
Federal Communications Commission Chief, Michael Powell, has announced a full scale investigation into the matter. He has reportedly promised to leave no stone or brassiere unturned in his search for the truth and, although he was greatly offended, he will be forced to watch the video of the infamous “reveal” over and over again, sometimes in slow motion and sometimes in reverse, until he uncovers the bare truth.
I wish somebody would put me in charge. I could have completed that investigation before the halftime show was over.
I would point at the television and say, “I see a naked booby! Levy fines against CBS and all the affiliates carrying the broadcast!”
How much more investigating really needs to be done to solve this great mystery?
“Hi, am I speaking with the boss of CBS?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“I am conducting a full scale investigation into the scandal known as Boob-gate.
“Okay.”
“Did you know it was going to happen beforehand?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“Damn. I’m not sure where to go from here. I better watch the video again.”
Maybe network executives knew about it or maybe they didn’t; it doesn’t much matter. If the FCC wants to prevent such an atrocity in the future they need to spend less time “investigating” the matter and more time putting the screws to Jackson and Timberlake.
Those two half-wits are getting exactly what they wanted – a staggering amount of publicity - the kind that all the money in the world couldn’t buy. You couldn’t turn on a radio or a television on Monday or Tuesday without hearing about Jackson’s boobs – and no one was referring to her brothers.
Any celebrity in the world will tell you that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Disagree? Rush Limbaugh’s ratings increased dramatically, with various affiliates across the country registering increases of between 8 and 23 percent, upon his return to the airwaves after a five week stay in a drug rehab program for an admitted addiction to painkillers.
If the FCC really wants to send a message, they should encourage the network to sue Jackson and Timberlake both into a state of absolute indigence. That, and that alone, would convince Jackson, and others like her, to keep her melons safely on the produce shelves while appearing on national television.
You don’t see a whole lot of women on skid row sporting ornate nipple shields.
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Y’know, speaking of current events, I can’t help but comment on the woman from Colorado whose car accelerated out of control and took her on a 75-mile ride at speeds of 100 mph.
According to the Associated Press, 20-year-old Angel Eck was traveling on I-70 when her 1997 Pontiac Sunbird began racing out of control and her brakes failed.
“Nothing she tried would slow the car down,” according to the AP account.
The AP explains that the vehicle’s brakes failed to work and then goes on to explain some of the other techniques that Eck (rough last name, by the way) incorporated in her attempts to slow the vehicle. Apparently she flipped on her hazard lights and dodged traffic while trying to use her cell phone, but alas, she was out of her service area.
I’m not making that up.
The report goes on to say that after 45 minutes of frantic attempts; she was finally able to reach a friend on her cell phone.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think it might be more prudent to dial 911 and keep hitting redial rather than trying to reach every like-minded dolt in your address book.
Police were finally able to slow her down by positioning a cruiser in front of her car and slowing down gradually. Six cruisers were involved and the entire highway was cleared.
I’ve read at least 5 or 6 accounts of this story and I haven’t heard anyone ask if she ever tried to turn the ignition off. Sure the power-steering would be gone, but she was on a highway with, one would assume, no sharp turns. Or did she even attempt something as simple as shifting into neutral.
I’m no mechanic and I could be dead wrong, but how many things could have malfunctioned on her car at once? Was this a real life episode of the Rockford Files?
Okay, the accelerator is jammed AND my brakes are gone. That’s dangerous and bad luck to boot, but what are the chances that my transmission is locked into drive?
Uh, oh, it is. I can’t seem to shift into neutral, what a freaky coincidence!
That’s okay, I can just switch off the ignition.
Nope, the ignition is locked too. This is not my day. It’s a good thing I’ve got my nipple shields in place.
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